


Guy Bffs Try Gross Lubes Off of One Another

by cactsu



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Awkward Sexual Situations, Humor, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Sexual Tension, not smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-17
Updated: 2017-09-17
Packaged: 2018-12-27 17:25:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12085770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cactsu/pseuds/cactsu
Summary: AU where Buzzfeed still won’t give us the Unsolved merch we deserve, but this they at least do provide.





	Guy Bffs Try Gross Lubes Off of One Another

**Author's Note:**

> based on [ this video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qzXDjzOHGHA) that i happened to stumble upon and couldn't help but imagine the boys in all of their sexually tense glory. enjoy!

“We’re doing _what now_?”

Ryan gawks at Jen from across the room. Did… she just say that they would be tasting _lube_? Off _each other_?

“You’re tasting lube! Off each other! You know, like how Nick and Tan did last year, but we’re bringing it back with everyone’s favorite comedic duo!”

Ryan’s head spins with the genuine realization that that is, indeed, what she’d just said. Twice now, actually. Fucking hell.

Said comedic duo— Shane and Ryan, of course, because who else, apparently— sit side by side at a table, surrounded by the usual bright artificial lights, cameras, and members of the crew. They’d been called in for a shoot; “a quick taste test”, as Jen had put it. The words that had just come out of her mouth were definitely surprising, to say the least, but she hadn’t technically _lied_ to them. Just left a few details out here and there, for the obvious shock factor. Alas, such was how things worked around Buzzfeed. Ryan sighs, face now in his hands.

“Thought this was gonna be a simple thing, but nope. Nope nope nope nope _nope_. I’ve never been more wrong in my life.”

Shane laughs beside him, ever the optimist. “Aw, c’mon, Ryan! It’ll be… fun? Maybe?” He turns to his right, shooting a comically doubtful grimace at the camera. Ryan lifts his head to see this and rolls his eyes.

“Boy, that’s convincing.”

“Hey, let’s just see where this takes us. Life’s best moments happen when you go with the flow, you know?”

Ryan can’t help but laugh as he shakes his head at his idiotic best friend. “God, you sound like such a fucking hippie, dude.”

Shane shrugs in response, a wide grin on his face, then enthusiastically swings his arm into the air with his pointer finger out.

“Let’s get this show on the road, baby!”

 

* * *

 

“Ah, so we’re starting pretty mild with bubblegum. I think this is actually gonna be pretty decent!”

“Your enthusiasm about this situation is very perturbing.”

Shane’s already uncapping the bottle as he waves a dismissive hand in Ryan’s direction. “Nah, I think you’re just being a huge sourpuss about it.” Ryan opens his mouth to retaliate, but Shane cuts him off before he has the chance to whine any further. “So, since this is a pretty basic lube, shall we start on a basic part of the body? Say, the back of the hand?”

Ryan huffs with a petulant shrug, holding a fisted hand out for the inevitable. “Whatever floats your boat, weirdo.”

With a light chuckle under his breath, Shane turns in his seat to face Ryan and squirts a dollop of lube onto his hand. Something about the act sends a shiver down his spine (a bad shiver? a good shiver? the world may never know), and he hesitates.

“I will say that I’ve never... well,  _licked_ you before, so there is definitely a boundary being crossed here.”

“Jesus, just shut up and do it already, Shane.”

Without responding, he grabs Ryan’s wrist, leans in, and quickly licks the substance from his friend’s skin.

And, boy, oh boy, what a sensation  _that_ is.

Ryan yelps and cringes at the feel of Shane’s hot, wet tongue on the back of his hand. Shane doesn’t seem too terribly pleased about what had just occurred, either, frowning as he smacks his lips.

“Hm. It’s actually not too bad.” He gives the bottle a quizzical look before squirting some onto his own hand and presenting it to Ryan. “Here, try it.” 

“I just— goddamnit—” Ryan turns away; he has to gather himself mentally and physically for what’s about to happen. “I can’t believe I’m about to fucking do this.” And with that, he turns back around and lunges at Shane’s hand with his tongue.

It takes his brain approximately .2 seconds to register the onslaught of sensations before he’s wiggling around in his seat, making small, choked gurgling sounds. In all actuality, the taste of the lube wasn’t that bad, it was just… he was licking it off of _Shane_ , of all people. Why the fuck was this _happening_?

“See? Not bad, right?”

The spasms of intense discomfort and disgust having finally subsided, Ryan lifts his head and shakes it at the camera, remorse clear in his squinted eyes.

“This was a mistake.”

 

* * *

 

“Okay, this one’s bacon. _Surely,_ it won’t be too bad.”

The younger merely snorts in response, not even bothering to reprimand the guy this time. “Alright, then, where do you want this one?”

“Hmm… let’s kick it up a notch and make it the cheeks.”

Ryan feels his face heat up slightly as he pauses. “…Which ones?”

There’s a beat of silence before the two men are giggling like children, Shane’s hands flying up in playful exasperation. “W-What? The— the side of the face, Ryan! Goddamnit, don’t make this weirder than it has to be!”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry! Just asking for clarification! I just never know with you,” Ryan responds, grinning from ear to ear like a dork. He just couldn’t help it. Fucking with Shane was _fun._ Not to be confused with fucking him, though. That probably wouldn’t be that fun… would it?

“Let’s just get this over with,” Shane announces, and Ryan is glad to have his train of thought interrupted; he wasn’t entirely sure how to feel about where it was taking him. If he’s being honest with himself, this entire situation has him thinking and feeling things that he never knew he wanted or even _needed_ to think or feel. He doesn’t know what exactly had changed within the past few minutes, but whether or not he minds it is completely beyond him.

Suddenly (and actually startling him a bit), Shane’s fingers are softly cupping his chin and turning his head at an angle. Ryan’s cheeks warm at the gesture, his earlier train of thought regaining its momentum. Man, this is an absolute mindfuck.

A decent dab of lube now on Ryan’s whiskered cheek, Shane leans in to do the deed. “3, 2, 1,” he mutters, then licks from his jawline to the area just next to his eye (leaving Ryan with saliva and a rather mortified expression on his face). Shane leans back in his chair and covers his mouth, barely managing to keep the gag in his throat down.

“…I rescind my earlier statement.”

“Yeah, I bet you do.”

“This is fucking _awful_.”

Ryan is wiping his cheek on his shoulder now, snickering. “Is it the fact you’re licking it from my face, or just the way it tastes?”

“A little bit of both, I think,” Shane coughs, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. “Hoo boy, that was not pleasant.”

 “Alright, my turn, I guess.” Ryan turns to Shane to return the favor, and he tilts his head on his own accord, eyes closed as the cold slickness touches his face.

“Avoid my mouth at all costs, please.”

“Trust me, that’s definitely the plan.”

The favor is returned, and Ryan sees Shane cringe. He almost starts to laugh when a sound that's kind of like a cross between a cough and a small gag escapes his mouth, and Shane's the one laughing instead. 

“That tastes _nothing_ like bacon!” Ryan squeals. When Shane’s laughing has died down a bit, he shoots a pointed yet amused look in Jen’s direction.

“Are we _done_ yet?”

Jen shakes her head, grinning mischievously. “Honey, you've got a big storm comin’.”

 

* * *

 

“Whiskey Dick!” Shane howls, doubling over in laughter as he reads the bottle of lube. “It’s called fucking _Whiskey Dick_ , Ryan!”

“Now, this is just fucking ridiculous,” Ryan wheezes, grabbing the bottle from Shane’s hand and glancing over it. “Seriously, who the hell uses this shit?” He lifts the bottle with the label turned to the camera for emphasis.

“Oh, please! This is so up your alley, man!”

Ryan turns to his companion beside him, gawking incredulously. “What do you mean? No, it’s not!”

“Whiskey is literally your favorite alcoholic drink. I mean, you did have a Manhattan custom made for you for a video. You said you preferred the ‘classic taste’. So, yeah, this is _right_ up your alley.”

Ryan is silent, knowing that everything that had just been said is true, then shrugs. “Okay, so maybe you’re not wrong, but I highly doubt this is gonna do anything for me.”

“Right, right, definitely,” Shane deadpans, giving a ‘The Office’ look to one of the cameras on Ryan’s side. “Now, for this one, I say we do… I dunno… the shoulder? And then for the next one, move a little lower to the collarbone.”

He seems _way_ too casual about this, Ryan thinks, but he decides to just go with it. “Okay, if you say so,” he says, waiting for Shane to expose his shoulder, then does the routine squirt-and-lick. He pulls his own shirt down; Shane takes the bottle in his hand and does the same, immediately frowning at the taste.

“Guh, it’s _pungent_!” He groans and glances at Ryan, who’s face is puckered— clearly, he does not like the taste either. “I mean, it’s not that it doesn’t taste like whiskey, because it does in moderation, it just… it tastes like— like if you put a kid in a lab and said, ‘alright, kiddo, make something whiskey flavored!’, and he made _this_ shit.”

Ryan’s eyes are finally open again, but he doesn’t look happy. “Essentially, it tastes like it was made my someone who has absolutely no fucking clue what good whiskey tastes like.”

“Yeah, basically.”

“There seems to be a trend…” Ryan’s gaze glides down onto the bottle, then raises to look at Jen behind the camera. “These are getting worse as we go.”

“How many are left?” Shane asks, head slightly cocked to the side questioningly.

“Just one more,” Jen replies, and Ryan’s head falls and starts banging repeatedly against the table.

“Please, Lord, _please_ , let them spare us with something at least half-decent.”

 

* * *

 

The final bottle slides across the table like some sort of weapon; the two lean in a bit to read the label as it skids to a halt. Ryan instantly recoils; Shane simply facepalms.

“Oh my fucking God, _no_.”

“Oh boy, we’ve finally reached the final stage of Hell, it seems.”

“It’s just— I can’t— _why_?” Ryan lifts the bottle and skims over the words, clearly distressed. “ _Squirting Cum_? You’ve gotta be shitting me.”

“It’s just a little semen lubrication, man.” Shane turns back to the main camera and points at it with a wink. “Threw in a little reference for all the Unsolved fans out there.”

Ryan rolls his eyes, but can’t help but smile. “I honestly can’t tell if you’re helping or not.”

“I know I am, you just wouldn’t admit it.”

The younger sighs, resting his face in his palm. “Man, this is going to be… heinous at best.”

“Eh, considering it’s fake, it probably won’t be that bad.” Shane pauses in thought, then frowns. “Actually, now that I think about it, that might make it _really_ bad.”

Ryan gives him an inquiring look, eyebrows furrowed. “This might be a really weird question, but… have you ever… uh, you know… tasted your own cum before?”

Shane is almost taken aback by the question— he should have expected it, but he didn’t think Ryan would actually _ask_ it— and he releases the breath he’d apparently been holding when he replies. “I will admit, I did taste it a few times out of genuine curiosity. It wasn’t great.”

“Yeah, same here. I’m not looking forward to this one. Not that I was looking forward to any of the other ones…”

“Keep on telling yourself that, Bergara,” Shane teases, applying the lube to Ryan’s exposed collarbone. Ryan huffs, but says no more in response. He leans in, preparing himself for the taste, and thinks, _let’s make this interesting. It’s now or never._

His tongue makes contact with the tan skin, and to Ryan’s utter dismay, he doesn’t lick it up quickly like he had the first three. This time, it was slow. Oddly… unnecessarily… _enticingly_ slow. It seems to last forever, his tongue leaving a hot trail across the sensitive area, and Ryan summons everything in his power to not groan at the feeling. Time seems warped, like it’s going in slow-motion, and he feels his hand move to tightly grip the side of his chair, to keep himself from doing something _stupid_ , and then—

And then the feeling’s gone, and he almost whines at the loss of contact. His head is whirling a mile a minute and wait, where is he again?

“Oh wow,” Shane is sitting back in his chair again, seemingly unaware of the affects he’d just had on Ryan. “That’s just— man—"

Ryan’s blinks himself out of his daze, and while Shane is distracted, he quickly squirts the lube onto his collarbone and licks it with fervor (partly to get the action out of the way, and partly because his body felt like it would _die_ if he didn’t reflect the gesture).

And there it was. He just licked ‘cum’. Off of Shane’s collarbone. And Shane had done the same to him. _Slowly_. If his mind had been blown at the thought of Shane having a magical penis, then it was in absolute shambles at this point. His mind is muddled, almost as if there is a thick fog surrounding it, and Shane’s voice sounds distant when he speaks up.

“Well, it tastes just about how you’d expect it to taste; like cum. Having said that, it’s absolutely horrible.”

“Yeah… salty.”

“Moral of the story; just use normal lube, people. Adding flavor doesn’t help. I guess it really depends on what you like, but based on our speculation, it’s more likely to turn you off than on.”

“Y-Yeah…” Ryan splutters, still quite flustered. And before he knows it, Jen is calling a wrap on the shoot, and they’re both getting up, sending their goodbyes to everyone else in the room. Shane holds the door open for him, and their steps fall in sync as they begin to make their way down the hall.

“Well, that was… something.” Ryan mumbles, eyes downcast, as if he’s trying to regain his grip on reality.

“Told you it would be fun.”

“You thought it was fun?” The shorter of the two (he’s average height, actually!) glances up at the other, almost surprised. Shane glances right back down at him.

“Did you _not_ think it was fun?”

“W-Well, I mean…” He averts his eyes, blushing and smiling bashfully. “I dunno, I guess it was. Anything’s fun with you.”

Shane briefly blanches at the words, then flushes as well. “O-Oh… anything’s fun with you, too,” he says, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Well, thanks,” Ryan squeaks. His face has to be on _fire_ by now, it’s so red.

A silence hangs between the two, each of them blushing to themselves, before Shane speaks up.

“So, uh… popcorn and movies at my place? Since we’re off for the rest of the day.”

“I can never turn down an offer of popcorn.” Ryan beams, eyes gleaming. “You know, that makes me think, actually… what if there was popcorn-flavored lube?”

Shane gasps as if he’s been offended. “Holy fuck, that could quite possibly ruin popcorn for me, and I just… wouldn’t be able to live with that.”

“We’d have to call the copcorns on whoever did that!” Ryan giggles as he makes the reference, and Shane responds just as enthusiastically.

“Yeah, ‘cause it’d basically be a _murder_!”

“The mysterious death of Shane Madej will likely remain… _unsolved_.”

“Nah, fuck that. I don’t even believe in ghosts, but I’ll come back as one and sue ‘em. I’ll bust into that courtroom, state my case, and automatically win because I’m _dead_. Oh, and I’ll knock a book or two down, just for good measure.”

“Just for good measure!” Ryan’s adorable, high-pitched laugh is coming through now, and Shane grins in triumph at being the cause of it. In his eyes, nothing’s better.

Meanwhile, Jen is leaning against the studio’s doorway behind them, smirking as she watches them leave. An intern who had been helping produce the video pokes her head out and turns to look at the two retreating figures.

“Looks like your plan might’ve worked.”

“No might’ve about it, it definitely worked.”

The blonde shoots an amused look up at Jen. “Think they’re gonna fuck tonight?”

“If the way they practically licked cum off each other’s collarbones is any indication…” She glances back down the hall at the sound of their jovial laughter, one eyebrow raised. “I’d bet my _life_ on it.”

**Author's Note:**

> yes all of these lubes are 100% real, thank u google  
> you can find me [ here](http://51wheezes.tumblr.com) on my bfu blog! thanks for giving kudos and commenting, it's extremely appreciated <3


End file.
